Matt Monro: An Introduction to Batley.
Talking of globally, international superstars of globally internationally famousness, one immediately thinks of internationally famous global superstar Matt Monro. Bless, dear ol’ Matt (or Terry as his good friends remember him) was a one for touring, and the internationally famous global nightclubs and theatres were of bread and butter to the protege of internationally reknowned piano player and singster, Winfred Atwell.
Well, among the heady nightspots our Terry was booked at was the internationally and globally famously reknowned “Batley Variety Club”. Famed, globally, for it’s Chicken in a Basket the Batley Variety Club presented bucketfuls of internally reknowned global superstars including: the Bee Gees Family, Mr Shirley Bassey, a tin of tuna, gravelly voiced hunkster Tom Jones, hunkily voiced Roy Orbison, vocally voiced Eartha Kitt, Louis Armstrong and the Boys from Apollo 11, Oliver Newton-John, Messrs Morecambe and Wise, Alvin “thingie was his wife” Stardust, Pope Jim Bowen the Argentine Bullseye, Dusty Springboard, Guys and Dolls, The Brotherhood of Man, Mr Kenneth Dodd and The Fucking Grumbleweeds. But they are all cobblers in comparison to Matt “Terry” Monro.
Any road, as they say in Batley, Matt was booked for a week and the Las Vegas of West Yorkshire beckoned. Thinking it a smart move, matt left the motor in the garage and headed northwards on the mighty permanent way via Leeds, Doncaster and Wakefield Westgate*. On arrival in Sun City, West Yorkshire, Matt thought he’d lash out and get a cab to the ‘gig’. How louche and theatrical. But, to return to the the Mighty Matt, up rocks a cab and our lad, the internationally reknowned and globally well-known songer of songs, loudly proclaims that he should be transported post bloody haste to “THE Batley Variety Club, my man”.
Our beloved cab driver, not being of a musical bent and being unaware of his charge’s global superstardom and international appeal, merely retorted, “tha dun’t wanter go theer this week, love, it’s that useless prick Matt Monro”.
Cue applause for a true story.
*other stations are available on request