More Nonsense From _Paul_And_Land_

Month: May, 2013

A Cautionary Tale For Five Year Olds.

When you’re five years old, your entire life consists of the phrase “ask a grown up”. It’s true, ask a five year old or a grown up and they will tell you. No, you plum. Not now, carry on reading.

Where were we? Oh yes. So, you’re always asking grown ups about stuff: why you shouldn’t eat bogies, why you shouldn’t point at the man with a big spot on his nose, what were those noises from mummy and daddy’s bedroom, etc, etc and so on. But there comes a problem when no-one tells you who to believe and who to trust.

To your average five year old, a pretty large majority of the population represents “grown ups” and this group of people includes your average five year old’s twelve year old brother. Now your average twelve year old brother can be, at times, a bit useful. Conversely, they can also be a complete and utter shit-bucket. So, if you are one of the average five year olds that read _Paul_And_Land_ then you may wish to take this message onboard. When your twelve year old brother tells you that the microwave is a time travel machine for hamsters, don’t believe him. He’s being a complete and utter shit-bucket.

Oh, and those noises, yeah? They’re making someone so that you can be a complete and utter shit-bucket. Good, eh?

Links to Things. And Stuff

Hey, we got a Links Page.


Employment Opportunities

For those few readers of _Paul_And_Land_ who seek the excitement and thrills that only excitement and thrills can offer, a life with Ben Fogle should be winking at you. Probably in a suggestive manner, as well.

However, and for those of us who like to keep our feet firmly on Terra Firma, what could more appealing than running away to join the circus.

Yeah, A Circus

Yeah, A Circus

Some of us, we appreciate, will not be endeared to certain tasks under the Big Top: waving a chair at unsuitably large big cats is, for example, not high on everyone’s CV. Likewise, donning lycra or a skimpy gold lame bikini and parading oneself on an all too similarly skimpy swing also may not be to everyone’s persuasion. Yet, and one is assuming wildly at this particular juncture, other opportunities must surely exist in today’s modern Circus environment. Health and Safety, for example, springs immediately to mind along with all those other back office functions of the modern organisation: Administration, Accountancy, Arbitration to name but three in the wide world of opportunities beginning with ‘A’ within the exciting world of Circus.

So next time the Circus comes to your town don’t think of it as Show Business think of it as Your Business!

*Other employment opportunities may exist.
**Always check your Employment Contract for full terms of Employment.

Tina Goes All Deja Vu.

Back in the day when we had “gritty” docu-dramas, laced with a bit of humour, Leeds was the place to be.  And look at it now, it’s got a One Direction Shop.  Here at _Paul_And_Land_ we’re already looking forward to the grand opening of some pseudo-superstar outlet in 2027.  Bring it on.

Channel 4 seem to revel in this kind of stuff: 1999, Tina Goes Shopping (Leeds), 2013, Skint (Scunthorpe), one could almost begin to believe that they’ve got some kind of agenda.  Here’s all the bits and gubbins of “Tina Goes Shopping”, have a shuftie.


Being at the ‘Cutting Edge’ of things and stuff, _Paul_And_Land_ follows @visitscunthorpe on the ol’ Twitter thingie-me-bob. So it’s quite upsetting to read on the @visitscunthorpe Twitter thing that some Boys and Girls have been out and about breaking our local trees.

Now, okay, these TV peoples have really peeved us about our home town. They’ve made us believe that we’re something lower than a rattle-snakes nads but this isn’t the way to react. The ‘Establishment’ want us to react in this way because that justifies everything for them. You see, we’re better than that. Let them destroy the environment, that way, we’re right.


Justin Bieber

Strangely enough, _Paul_And_Land_ remains unaffected by the phenomenon known as “Justin Beiber”.

Quite what the thrill is, we are unsure. Off goes some fully grown bloke, sometimes dressed as a clown and saying “it’s tumble time” too many times and people go over the top for it. Perhaps, here in the central bunker of _Paul_And_Land_, we’re behind the times but sticking a hat on sideways and wearing your trousers around your knees doesn’t quite cut the mustard.

We’ll say no more. Honest. Maybe.

The Big Dog: Emily’s Lost Beard

Dependant on your view of history, or geography, or politics, or any other number of weird things or stuff, either in the Wild lands of Eastern France or the Wild lands of Western Germany there is a Wild place. Even wilder than a wild place gone native, this place is pretty much off the Ben Fogle scale of wild places. Known locally as either France or Germany, this little piece of both, like the untamed Venn Diagram which would be representative, has the blood chilling name of Alsace (and cue the thunderclaps clapping, dogs dogging and scared peasants err, being scared peasants).

This will not explain anything.

This will not explain anything.

“So why the sudden interest in Alsace” a scruffy urchin bereft of shoes asks. “Aha”, came the reply from the Elders and/or Betters of _Paul_And_Land_. And that was the answer, Aha. Not the Swedish, or Norwegian, or Finnish Supergroup led by some chap named Greenock Morten Half-Wit but just for the pleasure of knowledge.

So here’s some knowledge. Alsace is where German Shepherd Dogs come from. Hence their name, Heidi. Or Fritz. Or Tyson. Or Emily. This reminds us of another famous Alsacian: Mr Emily Durkheim and his prize winning beard. Emily (or Emile to his close friend, Mrs Durkheim) was pretty strung out on suicide and what did for folks. Ennui, as Emily called it or as we call it Big Dogs featured pretty high on the list, as did ennui and depression. Not forgetting suicidal tendencies.

That’s what France and/or Germany does for you: Suicide and Dogs. Or not, depends on where you’re at on the Venn Diagram.

Franz Kafka’s Sporting Career.

Well known sporting legend, Mr Franz “Chopper” Kafka (1883 – 1924) was a little known sporting legend of some repute. He was also legendary, well known and also little known but had a degree of repute and legendariness. Allegedly.

Known as “Chopper” to his pet cat, Kafka had a short but legendary foopball career with his local team, Sporting Injuries Prague. However, and unfortunately, his legendary foopball career was brought to an early demise through a legendary and well known sporting injury to his foopball shorts. But enough, what may be of greater interest to lovers of _Paul_And_Land_ architectural delights is the University of _Paul_And_Land_. Possibly. Who can say?

Among the many delights of the University of _Paul_And_Land_ (sponsored by Auntie Charlene-Rayon’s Frosted Cup-Cakes of Mudpuddle, Nebraska – “The finest Frosted Cup-Cakes in Mudpuddle” – and Ray’s Tool and Foam Stall, Heckmondwike Market (Saturday’s only))* is the most excellent Brian Moore Sporting Legends and Injuries Wing.

Within the most excellent Brian Moore Sporting Legends and Injuries Wing of the legendary Univerity of _Paul_And_Land_ are corridors. Long corridors. With doors, lots and lots and lots of doors. Many of them, more even than at Wickes.** Or B & Q.** Or Tecsas.**

And each door has a sign to indicate what is contained within: Groin Strains, Hartlepool United, Discus, Stirling Moss, Tennis, Dry Stone Walling (competitive), etc, etc, etc and et al. Open a door, go on, you know you want to, and it reveals another corridor. With doors, decreasing in size. The size being indicative of the importance, relevance or relative merit of the content. Let’s wander down the “Chelsea” Corridor: Peter Osgood, FA Cup, Ron Harris, Thingie Torres, A Shed, Ken Bates. Doors in decreasing size, one after another, seemingly endless. Until the end. A very small door, tiny in its smallness, so small it’s tiny. Ever so, ever so little: John Terry’s Conscience.

*_Paul_And_Land_ accepts no responsibility for the somewhat silly rules of English punctuation.
**Other purveyors of doors are available.

Tango. A Popular Soft Drink.

So it seems that Mr Nigel Forage MEP, well known creosote salesman and friend to Mr Desmond Lineout, has been stuck in an Edinburgh hostelry for some time. Well what a to do. Mayhaps (which is quite similar to perhaps) the old lad (Our Nige, that is, and not the dancing moustachioed one that is Mr Lineup) has got a bit ahead of hissel’, thinking that he’s popular.
This reminds us at _Paul_And_Land_ that we must get the colour sorted on the telly. We won’t be able to get a new one if Mr Borage MEP has anything to do with it.

Plank (creosoted).


Gawd Blimey Missus and other associated strange words, this ‘ere blogging effort even works on the standard issue _Paul_And_Land_ Smith and Weston Mobile Device.*
Wonders, as they say, will never cease. Or even bleedin’ cease.**

*Other Mobile Devices may be available.
**Vocal coaching by the late, great Arthur Mullard.