More Nonsense From _Paul_And_Land_

Month: June, 2013

Getting Shirty

So it seems that anybody, or everybody, or somebody can have an opinion on anything, or everything or something these days.  Here at _Paul_And_Land_ we are speechless and gob-smacked at the notion that a former High Street purveyor of shirts, slacks, lingerie and associated accoutrements have waded into the murky pool of naming benefits claimants.  As a former high-end, yet reasonably priced, outlet for clothing one would have thought other fish were on the menu.  Clearly not.  This will cost them business, if they were still in business, you mark our words.

Enough of this badinage and word bandying.  Shirts.  Lots of people are trying on different shirts it would seem.  Dave and Ed and Ed and George and Nick are all sharing the one shirt, young Owen has tired of trying to share that one shirt and has decided on a lumberjack shirt.  Interestingly, it’s the same shirt but he’s drawn a pattern on it and he got it from Mr Ben, so he’s quite happy.

Lots of other men are wearing black shirts, or brown shirts but that’s because they’re grubby.  And, continuing the grubby theme, some men are wearing Tea Shirts.  I certainly wouldn’t want to eat a shirt for my Tea but each to their own.  And what of these Tea Shirts?  Well some of them are quite risque with pictures of scantily clad ladies wearing nothing but clads that are scanty.  How would it be if Nicholas Witchell* wore a Tea Shirt with a picture of a scantily clad goat on it?  There’d be uproar; tables, chairs, sofas and hanging baskets would be strewn around the place like there was no tomorrow.

And although a certain former High Street purveyor of shirts, slacks, lingerie and associated accoutrements may have waded into the murky pool of naming benefits claimants we can’t for one moment imagine them selling scantily clad goats.

Let’s all have a little think about that, shall we.   And go change our shirts.

*or any other Z list celebrity


Sometimes you just have to stand back and say “Bugger me Trevor, that’s alright is that”.  That is: one, if you know Trevor; two, if you’ve seen, or heard, or otherwise sensed something that’s alright; and three, you’re not stood backwards onto Beachy Head.  If you do stand back when you’re backwards onto Beachy Head you may well say “Bugger me Trevor, that’s alrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiii” followed by BUMP!

Now, readers of the slightly strange ramblings of @_Paul_And_, blessed be his trousers and his fixation with cordurouy, will be shocked, aghast, and quite frankly aghast with shock at the latest revelation that @_Paul_And_, blessed be his trousers and his fixation with cordurouy, has entered the lair of one so wrong that they can only be be described as rong.  But hey, what the blind buggery, even Bill Cheetham doesn’t see eye to eye with Cllr Neil Poo_e*.

Still here we go, yet another Norf Lincolnshire Councillor who may or may not have their tootsies in tepid water, take it away Bill: a one, two, a one, two, three, nine.

“Given recent controversy surrounding Pooleys Tearoom and that Crown Inn, Messingham has closed down. Shouldn’t serious>”

“<Questions be being asked of all concerned as to why Pooleys been ONLY paying business rate of £1848 cf £12481 for the Crown?!"

"No surprise when Business Rate on Crown is £12481 pa cf Pooleys' £1848. A BR that has NOT changed since April '10??!!"

"PS AND more to the point, given its change of use to a cafe/pub, how is it Pooleys Business Rate has not changed since 2010?!"

Well we don't like to pre-judge but something does appear a little amiss.

*Names may have been changed to protect ladies and horses ears

Lemon Drizzle Cake

It seems that the constituent bits and bobs of a Lemon Drizzle Cake includes the juice of two lemons. Well there’s a thing.

Now let’s consider this; if we took the juice of every lemon in government then we’d all be as fat as porky pie pigs. But cake and revolution don’t sit well together, not since that episode in Paris, or Versailles, or Charles de Gaulle Aeroport with Marie Curie and those chaps with no trousers. We digress.

Maybe someone could take the juice of two Eds and make a cake. It would taste just the same as a Dave and George Cake. Or how about a nice little Owen Jones Cake? They all taste the same. ‘Cept Madiera Cake, maybe We could ask @Lawrence_rayner, our roving Cake Correspondent. But he’s up a mountain.

Hey Ho! Let them eat cake. Let’s go!

A Road Well Travelled

Gawd Blimey Missus and other such hackneyed cliches, if it ain’t the return of our favouritist Norf Lincolnshire Councillor up to ‘is sauciest of saucy tricks again.  Indeed and forsooth, our new ‘On The Spot’ Correspondent, @NL_DarkKnight, cunningly dressed as Bruce Wayne has been making use of that there Twitter medium to update us on the shufflings of Cllr ‘Bobby’ of Torytown.  Seems that our ‘Bobby’ or ‘Alan’ or ‘Rob’ or ‘Robert’ or any mixture of the aforementioned has been getting himself into a bit of luke-warm water yet again.  Take it away, Bruce, a one, two, a one, two, three, four:

“We like good news don’t we?  Seeing new hovels being built for us plebs on t’ Brocklesby Ox site warms the heart”

“Of course they may not have happened without the foresight and psychic abilities of our favourite local politician”

“Seems like some sort of pesky planning type was going to make the decision on their own and insisted on rules n’ stuff!”

“good ol’ Alan used psychic abilities & called it in due to public interest, tho’ no public comments were sent to the planners!”

“By doing so that pesky planner was put in his place so his chums could have a look and make their own minds up!”

” I know, good job he knows how to get it done without them. Alan was even kind enough to speak to his chums on the committee too!”

“he’s the saviour of that town and all who sail in her!”

“Of course Brigg Town Council had objected so it’s strange that he’d call it in as he sits on that body”

“but then it has been said by local right wing types that BTC is overrun with nasty commie types that won’t follow Alan’s orders!”

“it’s no wonder the pork pies taste bitter these days after falling on post Robbie times.”

Well my goodness!  And him working for an MP, too.  Anyone would think the system was rigged.

Safety Messages

Regular readers, and for that case irregular readers, of the most exhilarating blog this side of the Pecos, _Paul_And_Land_, will have noted (with some degree of sadness, we trust) a lack of blogging and words in that quarter. You may have shed tears at the potential demise of “World of Roy”, sniffed awkwardly at the thought of Jeff’s Bar and Grill serving its final Botulistic Burger or stared longingingingly into the middle distance contemplating legal advice from another bunch of sharks other than Nobby’s Legal Services of Mirfield.

Fear not Braveheart, that old rubbish lives on and today, as a vital public service to the public and everyone else who may or may not be public we are proud to bring you some vital “Safety Messages” (at this point, Derek, the official _Paul_And_Land_ Drummerist should have played a drum roll, but he called in sick with his lumbago* playing up so please feel free to imagine to a drum roll at this point. Or a trumpet solo. Or Jimmy Edwards on the Euphonium).

Safety Messages, indeed. Much heralded and ultimately wise young fellow, Mr @raiphsays very wisely and youthfully and Herald and Argus advises against the less than sagacious clicking of internet buttons and things. Evidence shows that this may cause certain problems which one would rather be without: broken computers, drug cartels knocking on the front door and broken computers being but four. Whilst there may be a certain amount of shortbread involved in the Scottish Legal System, Mr @raiphsays’ words are universal and should be heeded everywhere, as well. Don’t be clicking on links.

And don’t run when you’re carrying scissors.

You may also wish to consider a healthy diet (or certainly something more healthy than one of Jeff’s Pizzas (available from Jeff’s Bar and Grill, caution may contain asphalt)) in which case mosey on over to @EastAnglear where Wendell will be providing nutritious images of cous-cous, baked beans and potentially bicycles and new frocks.

And don’t speak to strangers or run when you’re carrying scissors. And certainly don’t speak to strangers who are running and carrying scissors.

*Other fruit-based cakes may be available. Or not, please ask at Reception. Full T & Cs apply. No dogs.


Back in the days when rock n’ roll was in black n’ white: Elvis Pugsley, Matt Munro and those loveable mop-tops from Bootle called The Liverpools, there was a long haired bunch of ragamuffins called Status and Quo. This pair of loveable old-timers (starring Frank Rossi on denim and Ricky Parfait on drugs, allegedly) trotted out tunes which put you in mind of sticking your thumbs into the Levi Strauss belt loops and waving your hair about. Oh the fun we had. But enough.

Mr Parvenu and Mr Ross’s Lasagne for One Frozen Lunch had an album (that’s a collection of songs for you youngsters, rather like a CD but in a bigger box with a smaller hole) called “Dog of Two Heads”. Or something like. Maybe.

Aha, you scream! No and certainly not Yes is the answer. Nor is it Wishbone Ash or Emerson Fittipaldi, Lake Baikal and Palmer’s Lincoln Biscuits. Or even Van Der Valk Generator. We digress.

Here at _Paul_And_Land_, we once had a boil. A nasty boil. With two heads. Very painful, so painful we forgot about our broken leg. And arm. And the axe in our head. So when Mr Millipede and Mr Camerkazi have finished their love-in and intimate relations with each other perhaps they’d like to think about our broken legs. And arms. And the axes in our heads.

Just a thought, boys.

The Talking Horse

The little elves that write Fundamentals are tucked up in their respective match-boxes, under the the stairs, having done a full weeks anti-shirking (or anti-idling, dependant upon your particular flavour of neo-liberalism).  However, in passing, we noticed (we notice things a lot here at _Paul_And_Land_) that Mr Ed, the Amazing Talking Giraffe, had joined the Conservative Party and that his bestest, best friend, Mr Ed, the Amazing Talking Arse, had joined his friend, Mr George (Friend of Bungle, Zippy, and Geoffrey) for a pint of Carlsberg in Watford.

It is, as they say, all go.  Or not.

Fundamentals (Part Two)

In Fundamentals (Part One) we looked at the role of the Media and Government in creating a climate of fear and hysteria, and thereby ensuring that people remain acquiscent and ultimately controlled.

The world has a large population, this is not in question. Something more than seven billion people are crammed onto this comparatively small rock. But still there inequalities which are difficult to conceive. For example the richest 300 people on this planet have more wealth than all of the poorest 3 billion together. That’s 300 vs 3000,000,000,000. That is wrong, point 4.

Meanwhile, at a time when an estimated half a million British have become dependant on foodbanks, the super-wealthy flaunt their money in what can only be described obscene ways. The Billionaire’s Club in Monaco recently sold a round of Armand de Brignac Champagne for £330,000. A similar round would cost $500,000 at the Hakkasan Las Vegas, MGM Grand Hotel and Casino, Las Vegas. That a single person is hungry whilst this level of excess continues is wrong, point 5.

For many years people have put their faith in politicians to readdress the inequalities that exist in the world. Strangely, many politicians across the world are extremely wealthy. Names such as Goldsmith in the UK, Berlusconni in Italy, and Rice in the US are synonymous with great wealth and, given their political stances, the opportunity to retain and indeed grow their fortunes with the greatest ease. However we should not forget that those of the left are as equally influenced by the lure of “the folding stuff”.

Most recently, David Miliband, son of leftist thinker Ralph Miliband and brother of Labour Party leader, Ed Miliband, entirely forgot his role as a representative of the British public and threw in his job as an elected MP to chase the easy dollars on the US campus trail. So much for entrenched leftist views, they are as naught. But why should we be surprised at his apparent disregard? Many have gone before with the same cynicism for the electorate, some with even higher reputations, such as the Kennedy’s. Money, and the redistribution of it, cannot be trusted to the wealthy or politicians who are seeking to gain financially. That they are is wrong, point 6.

Fundamentals (Part One)

For almost two weeks, we have been bombarded with the news that a person was murdered in Woolwich, South East London.  There is nothing we do not know about the victim.  Everything, and anything, it would appear is okay for public consumption and the grieving family, for whom only respect should be shown, have become puppets for both the media and extreme politicians alike.  This is wrong, point one.

Fortunately murders, such as that of Drummer Rigby, which create a news blackhole are infrequent, so infrequent that they become memorable.  The murder of Jo Yeates and subsequent investigation between 2010 and 2011 was one such.  Similarly, equally memorable, the murder of Jean Charles de Menezes on a London Underground Train which also monopolised the headlines in 2005.  Not one of these deaths however struck the media because of any great concern for the victim; Drummer Rigby’s death has come to the forefront because of the extremist backlash to his murder, Jo Yeates’ death sparked a witch-hunt against an innocent man and de Menezes’ death came on the back of paranoia following the London bombings.  For the media and the police to use murders for shock value is wrong, point two.

The media constantly play games.  They have an agenda and that agenda is not to inform factually but to make profit for the media’s owners.  In many cities across England on Saturday 1st June 2013, right-wing extremists planned to use Drummer Rigby’s death as reason to take control of the streets.  They were met with anti-fascist resistance and across the country many arrests were made, principally of anti-fascists.  Britain’s national broadcaster, the BBC, failed to carry a single report of any disturbance.  As a result, many people were unaware of the fascist attempts to hijack Drummer Rigby’s death for their own purposes and of the resistance to these blatant attempts at creating social hysteria.  This is wrong, point three.

More to come.

Hurrah and, no doubt, Huzzah!

Indeed, hurrah and huzzah for the return of local legend and general all-round sound fellow to the world of blogginess, Cllr Mick Grant.  Cllr Grant, flanked by a rather large gentleman and speaking from the steps of some large Civic Building somewhere in deepest, darkest _Paul_And_Land_ uttered only one word which, for the sake of horses and ladies ears, we have edited out of the memory.

Nobby’s Legal Services of Mirfield have been put on high alert.