Godfrey Britain-in-Bloom

by pauland1707

We’re pretty damned experienced in the world of buffoonery here in the Land of _Paul_And_Land_ but even we raise our hats, mackintoshes and associated rain-wear to the outstanding buffoonery of the United Kingdom Innoculation representative in this year’s Eurovision Song Contest, Mr Godfrey and his Bloomin’ Blooms.

Reknowned throughout the entire Western Hemisphere, Mr Balloons is a true indication of what the HUGE electorate for the UK Indulgence Party is all about.  For unlike the brightly tanned leader and flag-bearer of said mob, Mr Nigel Fridge, who is merely a pillock, Mr Bloomingdales is a total, 100% fully fledged member of the utter and complete pillock club.  His membership has been paid for life.  On a Direct Debit.  From a Credit Card.  And it cannot be cancelled.

So there you have it: the HUGE electorate for the Unified King-Kong Interference Party are generally, on a scale of one to seventeen, pillocks.  Either huge ones or moderate ones or just “dipping their toes” into the ranks of pillockness, but pillocks all the same.  So what of this HUGE amount of pillockness which has been let loose to roam the streets, the HUGE amount of people for whom Mr Godfrey (played by Arnold Ridley) speaks.  Err, yes, well.

Mr Blueberry, along with his trusty muckers, secured a highly creditable 213,750 votes in the elections for European Elections in the Elections of 2009 giving the UK Insinuation Potty over 17% of the Election vote in the Yorkshire and Humber Election area*.  Let’s just break this down a sniff, take a wee critical squint.  Yorkshire and the Humber contains the urban conurbations of West Yorkshire; Leeds, Bradford, Wakefield, Huddersfield and Halifax to name a few; South Yorkshire including Doncaster, Barnsley, Sheffields Wednesday, Thurday and Friday, and Rotherham; some bits around the Humber such as Hull, North and North-East Lincolnshire, and a funny place called Howdenshire which is not on any proper maps, along with various other places where paint is still the main form of dress.  And the actual Election** electorate for this area which Gottfried and chums worked so hard to to secure their HUGE Election** success?  Well it’s a shave over three and a half million, should we say that again 3,500,000.  In old money.

Now we’re not so hot at the ol’ rithmatic ‘ere in _Paul_And_Land_ but 3,500,000 divided by 100, times by the number of cheeses in France plus 213,750 minus Barry McGuigan and then add The Dagenham Girl Pipers equals, give or take a slack handful, 40,000 less than the population of Hull.  That’s how many people this lemon represents, less than the population of one of the Yorkshire and Humber Region’s cities.  So next time, Godfrey, you decide to shoot off your racist, sexist or any ‘ist’ mouth don’t try and cover it up by claiming you represent Northerners and that your comments will somehow endear you to them because they won’t.  We’re a bit smarter than you credit us.


* _Paul_And_Land_ is pleased to announce our new sponsorship deal with the word “Election”.  Look out for more exciting news soon.  In as much as this is not really that exciting and there will be something more exciting soon.  Yodelling or something.

** See above