09 May 2025

by pauland1707

A grey and depressing bunker, just east of Moscow and Vladimir is on a phone circa 1956.

VP: Happy Unity Day Mr President Comrade. It is a very big day today and we Russians celebrate with vodka.

Inaudible chatter from other end of line.

VP: It is a special day for Russians and we celebrate victory over the fascists in 1945. Even Americans remember 1945, I think, Mr President Comrade. You turn up late and Mr John Wayne win war over fascism, on his own. I make a joke Mr President Comrade.

Inaudible chatter from other end of line.

VP: I don’t think you were ever in hand to hand combat Mr President Comrade, it teaches you to appreciate any humour. As warrior of Mother Russia, I learn many things. Most important thing is protecting pure and strong body for good of Mother Russia.

Inaudible chatter from other end of line.

VP: While you eat fast foods in Imperialist America, we in Mother Russia build up body of iron with much cabbage. Cabbage is very good for body. And me, Mr President Comrade, I have pure and strong body for all the Russian Mothers. I take special care of, as you say, parts. I wear special military underwear. All good Russian Fathers wear special military underwear. You cannot make bad song about me Mr President Comrade.

Inaudible chatter from other end of line.

VP: You make bad song about Adolf Hitler, how he only has one testicle. Like good strong and pure Russian father, I have two testicles in my special, lead lined, military underwear. I have not removed this underwear since the bunker door closed. I keep my testicles pure Mr President Comrade.

Inaudible chatter from other end of line.

You with your thoughts of Michelle, it is not good for pure and strong testicles. And lead is not a problem for good strong Russian men. You fools in West spend too much time worrying over nothing. One week red wine, next week butter, next week margarine. Cabbage and vodka pure for strong Russian men. And special lead lined military underwear good for strong and pure Russian testicles.

Inaudible chatter from other end of line.

VP: I do not care for your Imperialist lies, Mr President Comrade. But I call you back soon. And you are right, I hear cabbage water boiling in pan. Goodbye Mr President Comrade.

Click on other end of line.

VP: Cabbage water, how did he know about cabbage water?