Looking for Causes – 1997

by pauland1707

A darkened room, London, 1997. A tall bald-headed man wearing a double-breasted suit and a blonde haired woman are in discussion.

PP: It’s like this, my dear, you get rid. Everyone will know it’s mine as soon as they see the finely chiselled nose and statuesque demeanour. No, you can’t carry on telling the world that it’s Pedalo’s, he’s one of those foreign types and we can’t have that. They come over here buying shops and newspapers, us British types just won’t stand for it. Yes, I know the old girl’s a kraut but we’re all the same, us and the krauts. Finely chiselled noses and a statuesque demeanour, it’s in the blood.

A pregnant pause.

PP: You see, if you’d stuck with mi-laddo, we’d be in the clear. Dopey looking sod, takes after the old gal, but he can carry off the double-breasted look. But no, you had to be all modern and get tied in with Dildo or whatever his name is. And well, we can’t have bloody foreigners running the shop, can we? We’ve been keeping the buggers down for long enough. They’ve started getting ideas above their station. Take his father, what can you say about him. Bought the best shop in town and stopped selling double-breasted numbers. Always good for one on appro until he turned up. Bloody foreigner. And now you’re in the family way again, it’s obvious you’re from the sticks, can’t do anything right.

A pregnant pause.

PP: Look, I’ll sort this out. You get rid of it and stop playing silly buggers with the papers and Panorama. Bloody hell, you got a bit close there. Third person in the marriage and all that old kibosh. Good thing I had old horse face in the wings. Yes, none of that old press nonsense, just piss off to France and keep your head low. Worked for the other pair. And she was a yank. Bloody hell, a yank, in the family. Coarse bastards, the lot of ’em.

A pregnant pause.

PP: Look girl, you get shot of the young ‘un, piss off to Paris and keep schtum. Get married to Volvo if you must but keep us out of it. Who knows, in a few years, they might make a film and job’ll be a good ‘un. Oh you want to know the alternatives, you think there are alternatives. Well perhaps.