Snails

by pauland1707

Well, yes well, what a to do and other such stuff. Avid readers will have noted that the scribblings from this place we call _Paul_And_Land_ have been focusing on trains and buses and shops and things associated with trains and buses and shops and stuff. There are other things in the world apart from trains and buses and shops. Allegedly, at least. Cucumber, for example, and biros and carpet and little baby sparrows and sombreros and a lot of other stuff. And there’s houses.

Hmm, houses, there’s a thing. Not that cucumber and biros and carpet and little baby sparrows and sombreros aren’t a thing, it’s just that houses are quite an important thing. Houses give you somewhere to live, somewhere to exist, somewhere to be safe. Not even in _Paul_And_Land_ can someone live and exist and be safe in a sombrero. It would be nice, walking about wearing a sombrero that turns into a house, but no. Not going to happen. Unless you’re a snail. But you’re not. There’s a notion we shouldn’t give to any politician though: Sombrero-houses. They’d be setting up All Party Think Tanks and Research Projects with Special Advisers and Sombrero-House Experts, quicker than you can say All Party Think Tanks and Research Projects with Special Advisers and Sombrero-House Experts. So we’d best keep it to ourselves.

Talking of snails, which we were at some point, honest. They’re lucky little blighters carrying their own little houses around on their backs. Very lucky. Very, very lucky. Unless they get eaten by a blackbird. Or an errant French person. Or someone called Giles or Princess Something or Devereux or someone saying, “This is a cheeky little Chablis I picked up in Monte, dahling. It goes so frightfully well with the escargot, don’t you think?”

Yes, what? Went off a tangent there. Snails. Little houses on their backs which are rather safe-ish unless any of the above are in the general vicinity. And, you know, that’s what our little houses should be like. Safe. But for some people they’re not. Oh no. They’re very scared in their houses. Not because of blackbirds. Or errant French people. Or someone called Giles or Princess Something or Devereux or someone saying, “This is a cheeky little Chablis I picked up in Monte, dahling. It goes so frightfully well with the escargot, don’t you think?” But because someone treats them badly. Beats them up, rapes them, murders them or just plain fucks them around. Badly.

So how would it be if all those All Party Think Tank bods and Research Projects Projectors and Special Advisers and Sombrero-House Experts started looking at these ‘ere things. We could help them, point them in the right direction so to speak, give ’em a wee nudge or a smack up the bracket. Here’s a starter for ten: every year, in Scotland, (yes, just in Scotland. Not somewhere else, not all of Britain, not all of Europe, just Scotland) 40,000 mums, daughters, aunties, grandmas, sisters, and generally women get a smack up the bracket. Or worse. And that’s not a slur on Scotland-land, it happens everywhere. Everywhere. Even in Macclesfield and in places where people say, “This is a cheeky little Chablis I picked up in Monte, dahling. It goes so frightfully well with the escargot, don’t you think?”

Snails, bloody snails. Let’s stay on the bloody subject of the subject of snails but not on their sombreros. Or houses. Or biros. But on their parts. Downstairs. They don’t have any, or is that slugs or worms? Pigeons don’t have men’s bits. It’s true, have a look on that there Wicked Pedia Inter Web thing. To return to snails or indeed slugs or worms because one or some or even all of them don’t have parts, they can’t get messed up by someone doing something in the name of some higher snail or slug or worm. And yet, some folks, that’s human folks, think it’s clever to chop other humans’ bits about. All for some higher being. Allegedly. Hello, did someone make a connection there: Snails and Slugs and Worms don’t do it yet Humans do. Let’s have a little chat about civilisation here, shall we?

Yes, a little chat. Maybe those All Party Think Tank bods and Research Projects Projectors and Special Advisers and Sombrero-House Experts ought to have a listen in. Yes, that lot.

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