More Daily Express
When they’re not finding Bulgarians and Romanians guilty of all crimes on Planet Earth or finding a new cure for arthiritis, the common cold, excess gas or boils, the Daily Express turns it’s critical gaze, inevitably, on the greatest cause of all known ills, young people. Loafing around in their Levi Strauss trousers, singing songs by Tommy Steele and Brenda Lee, drinking sugary soft drinks and generally belching in the face of society is what they get up to. “Bring back conscription” and “show ’em the Birch” is the ol’ Daily Expresseseses idea. Then again, that’s the Daily Expresseseseses answer to everything including arthiritis, the common cold, excess gas, boils and “Creeping Eruption”. It’s a thing, “Creeping Eruption”, look it up and this will make a tad more sense. Honestly.
The more avid readers of this ‘ere thing, _Paul_And_Land_, will already know of young @raiphsays. Indeed, if you don’t you should. Young raiph is a chirpy wee fellow from some place North of the border down Mexico way who doesn’t spend his days loafing around in Levi Strauss trousers, singing songs by Tommy Steele and Brenda Lee, drinking sugary soft drinks and generally belching in the face of society. No, he plays foopball with his pal Kurt. They use jerseys for goalposts. But they don’t go to the park because there’s too much dog poo. And dog poo, as you know because you’ve read about it, causes “Creeping Eruption”. We don’t just make this stuff up, you know, we actually sit and think about it. And not in Levi Strauss trousers. Or the Daily Express.
See, back in the day, we had goal-keepers and game-keepers and park-keepers who looked after parks. They had sticks with a nail on the end and a hat with “Park Keeper” written on it and, generally, a jacket with patches on the elbows. They cleaned up dog poo or chased dogs off with their sticks and kept parks nice and clean and tidy and safe for young people like raiph. Yes, jerseys could be thrown on the grass without fear of contracting “Creeping Eruption”. And foopball could be played with no concern for ending up smelling like a Jack Russell’s bum hole. But Councils, in their infinite wisdom and stinginess, thought that goal-keepers and game-keepers and park-keepers were surplus to requirement and could be replaced with a tractor that sprayed grass and dog poo all over the shop. Or shoppe if you’re a fan of Chaucer. Not good if you want to make a classic save at foopball.
Y’see these Councils haven’t worked out that some things aren’t surplus to requirement but that they actually contribute to well-seasoned young people who don’t spend their days loafing around in Levi Strauss trousers, singing songs by Tommy Steele and Brenda Lee, drinking sugary soft drinks and generally belching in the face of society. And riding motor-scooters. But these Councils still cut and cut and cut and cut until there’s nothing but skeletons and bones and problems that can’t be fixed with Sellotape. Deep, deep problems in places like Haringey and Doncaster and Liverpool all because they thought they could fix things with Sellotape. or even without Sellotape. Lives lost, lives destroyed, innocence shattered. Maybe the Daily Express should have a little cogitate, a few thought processes. “Bring back conscription” and “show ’em the Birch” isn’t the answer. Goal-keepers and game-keepers and park-keepers who look after parks and the welfare of us all possibly is. Possibly. And at least young raiph and his pal Kurt will be saif tu pla foopball.