Mountain Dew. And other things.
Sometime upon a time, some time ago in the dim and foggy past, one of the smiling residents of this foggy place had a notion, An idea, even. Funny food. And before you start thinking “he’s gone all Heston Bloominheck on us”, this was in the days before Heston Bloomin-Nora and his fish cake ice-cream.
Y’see, we like a bit of cous-cous, who doesn’t? As it proudly proclaims on the packet “A delicious alternative to rice and pasta” or even spudniks. And Mountain Dew. Yes that carbonated soft drink knocked up in 1940 by Tennessee beverage bottlers Barney and Ally Hartman and first flogged with the slogan “Ya-Hoo! Mountain Dew. It’ll tickle yore innards”. What’s not to love about that? Tickled innards are always a bonus. To be frankly frank, Frank, the two were made to go together, a marriage made in heaven. Sort of. And little known of. Until now. So wipe down your surfaces and put on a white coat because here it comes, walking down the street, we get the funny looks from everyone we meet. Davy Jones was in Coronation Street, they’ve never asked that question on “Universally Challenged” but if they do, you’ll know the answer. That’s for free.
Back to today’s star of the show. First of all assemble all the ingredients. You can get them anywhere that sells this kind of stuff. Don’t try your local Chinese take-away, for example, or Dave’s Car Showroom because they’re not the right place. Try a supermarket or a mini-market or a corner shop or Mr Singh’s Convenience Store and Off-Licence, you’ve got a better chance of assembling the ingredients from these ‘ere places. Let’s see what’s on Dale’s Shopping List today (quick reference to Dale Winton and the garishly bedecked contestants on Supermarket Sweep, in case you were wondering): Some cous-cous, some Mountain Dew (“Ya-Hoo! Mountain Dew. It’ll tickle yore innards”), a mango, some coriander (the proper green stuff not Schwartz’s dried nonsense), a red nunion (which is rather like a red onion but with a different spelling and with added comedy value in the green-grocer’s shop), Olive’s Oil and a lemon. And a bowl. And a fridge. No pans are needed so scrub that from your Shopping List.
This is where it all gets a bit experimental depending on how much you’re making and how many hungry mouths you’re feeding. If, for example, you’re feeding the entire population of Peterborough you’ll need to plan ahead a bit and purchase industrial amounts and consider a slightly larger fridge rather than the usual domestic affair. We would recommend starting at a somewhat lower level of production first but if you are making enough to feed the entire population of Peterborough, plan ahead.
Oh, nearly forgot, you’ll need a sharp knife as well. Scissors will not work. Neither will a chisel. Or a pencil sharpener.
Here we go: chop-chop the red nunion, mango and coriander (red nunion, small, mango, chunky and coriander, teeny tiny) and chuck ’em in a bowl. Squeeze your lemon and splosh the lemon juice in with the red nunion, mango and coriander, and then some of Olive’s Oil, give it a mux up which is like mixing only with a “u”. Then add your cous-cous and give it another mux up and finally enough Mountain Dew (“Ya-Hoo! Mountain Dew. It’ll tickle yore innards”) to cover all the other ingredients. Mux and stick it in the fridge. Now you can sit back and watch “Minder” for an hour. During the adverts, just give your little mixture a little more muxing and when Dennis Waterman start warbling “I could be so good for you”, your Mountain Dew Cous-Cous will be ready to “tickle yore innards”.