The International _Paul_And_Land_ Awards.
The tension in _Paul_And_Land_ these last few months has been palpable as the much highly regarded and regarded highly International _Paul_And_Land_ Awards Ceremony has been on the minds of everyone. Past winners of the Award have included no-one because, to date, this is the First International _Paul_And_Land_ Awards Ceremony and, who knows, it may be the last. But still, all the happy Citizens were palpable and tense as they headed to big School Hall at _Paul_And_Land_ Big School.
A buffet of buffet things had been buffeted by the Buffet Committee from Mr Singh’s Convenience Store and Off-Licence including Cheese Cubes and Silverskin Pickled Nunions on Sticks stuck in potatoes. Fanta flowed freely and crisps of a multitude of flavours were consumed by the handful. And in the dimly lit big School Hall, people danced to tunes by Donna Summer, Minnie Ripperton, Luther Vandross and Slade (a slight hiccup by the DeeJay, who had dropped the box of records on the way to the _Paul_And_Land_ Arms Christmas Booze-a-thon where revellers were dancing the night away to Fairytale of New York, Chocolate Salty Balls, Oh, I wish it could be Christmas everyday followed by Barry White and the Love Unlimited Orchestra. There had been uproar but that’s another story. As they say. Close brackets).
Another slight hiccup in the evening’s proceedings was provided by the local Bus Company who proceeded to proceed in running a Sunday Service between the Richard “sodding” Branson International Transport Hub and _Paul_And_Land_’s very own modern transport facility bus shelter, handily placed near the big School Hall. Hence the International big-wigs and nylon toupees were not on hand to add some pzzazz and many young people, autograph books in hands, were a little upset. It’s very rare that international big-wigs and nylon toupees make it to this ‘ere place and dreams of famously famous big-wigs had sparked a little light. Fortunately Fanta and Cheese Cubes with Silverskin Pickled Onions were on tap to provide a suitable substitute and all was well.
The Sunday Bus Service also meant a hurried change of Compere as Tess Daly (her of the Dancing with Brucie Bonus-Not-In-This-Game) who had promised faithfully that she’d show up, phoned at the last minute to say she couldn’t get and that her and Vern were enjoying a McDogpoo Burger courtesy of Alan Yentob. Luckily for the organisers of the International _Paul_And_Land_ Awards, the landlord of the _Paul_And_Land_ Arms stepped into the breach and, as the owner of a fetching Dinner Suit, he looked the part as he tapped the microphone professionally and uttered those immortal words “could we all take our seats for the awarding of the First International _Paul_And_Land_ Awards”.
Voices hushed and silence descended as the happy throng parked their cabooses on overly small school chairs from the big School around overly small school tables also from the big school. Paper table cloths added to the sense of occasion and snappily dressed types wearing Tuxedos and pinnies mixed among the audience, replenishing Fanta. A single spotlight, was spotlighting the stage as the landlord of the _Paul_And_Land_ Arms decked out in his fetching Dinner Suit looked the part as he tapped the microphone professionally and performed a selection of hits from West End Musical Productions before finally announcing that he had an envelope.
Excited gasps filled the air. It was the moment that all and sundry had awaited, breath very much baited, hooks even more tentered and other things of that nature were going on. A drum roll, an almost silent rip as the glue on the envelope gave and a card withdrawn. The face of the landlord of the _Paul_And_Land_ Arms, dressed in his finest Dinner Suit, lit up and a tear filled his eye. The gathered audience leaned forward in their overly small chair as his voice, on the point of breaking, began “The award of the First International _Paul_And_Land_ Award goes to ….”. He stopped talking, the tension built, the sound of heart-beats thumping heavily, of perspiration running down faces and of breath held.
“The beautiful ladies who saved our _Paul_And_Land_!!”. The crowd erupted, backs were slapped, flat-caps thrown in the air. Never has there been a more deserving award, the Beautiful Ladies who saved our _Paul_And_Land_ are utterly and even more utterly adored in _Paul_And_Land_. They’re presence adds to the happy, smiling faces of every Citizen. They are loved. And that is why this First International _Paul_And_Land_ Award was made, to recognise the Beautiful Ladies who saved our _Paul_And_Land_. Thank you Beautiful Ladies, recognition for all you have done for this curious little place buried deep in someone’s heart. xxx