Complaints Department.

Morning Everybody. Or afternoon everybody. Or evenin’ all. Or sorry for waking you up, y’see this ‘ere thing is a bit global and all over the world and other places as well. Yes indeed, internet thingie on Mars (other chocolate coated bars are available, please check Terms and Conditions. If you are unhappy with any these products please return them unopened to the following address: _Paul_And_Land_).

Now this creates something of a problem, does it not? Yes it does. Thank you for that. You’re welcome would you like a chip? No thanks, I’ve just a Mars Bar that I was not entirely satisfied with but because I do not have the power to miraculously analyse any Chocolate products prior to tearing off the outer wrapper, I cannot send it back to the manufacturer. Damn their ears, chins, err, noses, oh whats that saying, Damn their feet, that’s it damn their feet.

Now I’m not a big fan of Basingstoke strangely enough and, in this regard, I’d like to send Basingstoke back to the manufacturer. Problem is I’ve lost the original wrapping paper, bubble wrap, plastic bags, those little wire tie thingies and the box that Basingstoke came in so I’m scuppered. Dear Basingstoke Council, I hereby return Basingstoke because I’m not entirely satisfied. Unfortunately, some of the parts are missing (number 54 Acacia Boulevard, for example, has had the apple tree removed  from the back garden and Norman Perkins has had a haircut). Similarly, I do not have the original wrapping paper, bubble wrap, plastic bags, those little wire tie thingies and the box that Basingstoke came in but I have placed Basingstoke into some sturdy sacks which I hope will suffice. It would be laughed out of court. Or perhaps sniggered out of court. Or snorts of derision. Well there would be some sort of noise within the court-room at least and Micheal Mansfield QC would have his day again. Is he any relation of Jayne Macclesfield, I wonder. Or Mansfield Town Football Club.

Where were we? Yes, morning Everybody. Or afternoon everybody. Or evenin’ all. Or sorry for waking you up, y’see this ‘ere thing is a bit global and all over the world and other places as well. Yes indeed, internet thingie on Mars. All over the place it is and yet I go to the end of the street and lose the signal on my phone. Dear O2, please find enclosed my missing phone signal, I’m afraid there’s no box, plastic bags or those little wire tie thingies as my phone signal had none of these originally. I would be most grateful if you could replace my missing phone signal with one which is not missing or apt not to go missing at the end of the street. Yours sincerely bah, blah, blah. Type that up please, with a back copy and have we got a Twix?